A Day in The Life of Master Hand
by ShadowZell
Summary: ever wondered if Master Hand had a holiday? and he wouldn't need to put up with Smashers all day?....no neither have I but this is a humor fic and I think it's pretty good so read and review...see what he does on a normal day.
1. Chapter 1

**A DAY IN THE LIFE OF MASTERHAND**

Zell: Ok this is a humor fic about the super smash bros. boss known as Master Hand, and this fic is about what he does when he's not battling the SSBM characters…though we'll have a bit of that to. There's a little bit of language and a few sexual implied jokes.

Disclaimer:…..I don't own Nintendo or SSBM or anything else mentioned here….I think?...no no last time I checked I don't…

10:04 am.

The beloved Master Hand who resides outside of the SSBM universe had just woken up.

Master Hand: Yawn! Grr time for me to wake up and have to go face another meleer hoping to rise to fame and glory by kicking my sorry ass…wait I'm a hand, I don't have an ass. I don't even have a mouth! So why am I talking!...and I don't even have ears so how can I hear myself speak! And I'm the only one in my bedroom so I'm wondering why I'm speaking out loud, pondered the evil Villain.

Deciding he didn't want to hurt his head trying to think of the logic behind this story, he then made his way into the Kitchen to have some waffles.

Master Hand: Let's see…only one left good thing I got to it before Crazy Hand

(Master Hand and Crazy hand were both brothers who rented a small apartment, though Master Hand never got along to well with Crazy Hand….he was sort of the black sheep of their family). At that second Crazy hand came down to the kitchen and grabbed the waffle from his brother's hand

Master Hand:Yo! Leggo my Eggo!

Crazy Hand: Muahahaha! Never! I'm going to go feed this to my gerbil….then when he gets big and fat I'm going to cut him up and then feed his skin to my snake.

Master Hand:….Man Crazy…your just not right in the head…

Crazy: I know I'm not right….I'm left.

Master Hand deciding he'd let Crazy keep the waffle he went over to the computer…for some err educational reading. Suddenly Master Hand noticed a pop up….

Master hand:…Princess Peach picking turnips!...rated X….o man she can pluck my vegetables anyday!

Looking around, Master Hand realized he was alone and watched the video….then went to the bathroom…for whatever reason he went….

43 seconds later (use your imagination if you wish)

Master Hand came out feeling refreshed err for whatever reason he was in there…. And nodded to himself in agreement and said.

Master hand:…Yes I am the Master.

Deciding he would go on his instant messenger and chat he logged on. Noticing someone named Shroom-addict had added him.

Master Hand: Hey who is this? He typed.

ShroomAddict :….Yo dude what's up?

Master Hand:….Whose shroom-addict?

Shroom-Addict:…..yo…..whose this?

Master Hand: What! You added me!

Shroom-Addict:…. Man just mellow out for a sec…your killing my vibe

Master Hand:….Grr this better not be you Kirby

Shroom-Addict: What's a Kirby?...can you smoke it?...anyhow just to tell you Toad I'm going to need you to deliver those mushrooms straight to bowsers castle….If I have any chance of beating him I'm going to need those shrooms(think steroids)

Master:Hand….huh?What? Toad?...whatever.(Master Hand's mouse quickly shifted over and clicked on the block button).

Noticing that another person by the name of SexiPrince-ESS69 had added him.

MasterHand: Oh boy! Finally Zelda added me! I've been waiting for so long for a chance to ask her out!

SexiPrince-ESS69: Hey what's up you sexy beast.

Master Hand: Hey Zelda! (wow she called him sexy) I know this may seem a little out of the blue but…do you think maybe you'd like to go out some time and go for a drink or something?(Master Hand waited for a few seconds for her reply

SexiPrince-ESS69:….Zelda? NO this is Marth…

Master Hand looked at the text for awhile in horror…then the horror turned to shock…then the shock turned to being grossed out….then his mouse shifted over and pressed the block button.

Tired of Chatting Master Hand decided to go out for a walk when an alarm sounded through out his house…what he thought! But today is a holiday! I get the day off from fighting smashers!...NOOO! Not today! He decided he'd need to have a talk with his Union for Villain rights. Though still, he proceeded to teleport to the Final Destination stage to have a word with the asshole who'd dare try to fight him on his day off.

Master Hand: What the hell are you doing here! (Master Hand yelled to the young Hylian boy)

Young Link: What? I've come to fight you! You better be careful because your in for an ass whooping!

Master Hand:…Didn't you get the memo! It's a holiday!

Y. Link:…What holiday?

Master Hand: Villain Appreciation day!

Y. Link:…O…..well could we fight anyway? It took awhile to get here.

Master Hand: Fine….now screw off(Master hand proceeded to slap him off the side of the arena)….good thing I used my strong hand to take care of that twirp….(wait he thought… I only have one hand….O well).

Master Hand teleported back to the house where he saw Crazy hand sacrificing a small herd of goats to a random Asian god he never knew existed…deciding it better to not ask he went outside to find a large group of the smashers playing soccer.

Master Hand: Mind if I play?

The smashers all looked at each other nervously…. And finally Samus said

Samus: Sorry Master but uh….you don't have any legs and every time you play you always "hand ball" it.

Master hand:….o… he said seeming depressed. I understand….

And he walked off sadly, contemplating some things for awhile

Master Hand: Why oh why did my Mother have to marry a hand! Grr figures I'd get my fathers physical features…grr I guess I'll go home now.

Just then he got a call on his cell from a police officer saying a man named Mario was arrested for possession and attempting to buy and use illegal drugs outside of Bowser's castle, and Mario had said Master Hand would be his attorney in court.

Master hand:….Grr fine I'll be right over.

Looks as if a day in the Life of Master Hand is not an easy one…..having to get his ass kicked by smashers…o wait….no ass right… err having to get beat up everyday by smashers. Also to fight day in and day out, as well as help them sort out all their legal problems. Next time you go up to fight Master hand….please go easy on him

This has been a public advertisement for Concerned Villains paid for by the Villain's Right's Union.

Remember to read and review…also tell me if you liked the story and if you think I should do something similar….any ideas are also welcomed.


	2. The retirement

Ok this is part 2 of a day in the life of Master Hand…only to keep this story going I have to do something…he's decided to take a permanent break.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the stuff mentioned in this story and I definitely do not own SSBM.

Master Hand woke up on another morning on Tuesday. He had enjoyed his day off but he had wished it lasted longer…

Master Hand: I think I need a vacation!(he said a few minutes after he woke up) Wait…no I need a long permanent vacation! I think I'm going to retire! I mean I am 34 and I've worked like everyday since SSB and SSBM came out.

Though he'd have to have a conference and a big after party! He'd invite all of those bastards that made his life a living hell…the smashers….. He'd invite tons of reporters and people would cry on that day and bring him gifts! It would be great! Then to make matters worse for them and better for him he'd have Crazy Hand become his replacement!...maybe everyone would feel so bad they'd put a statue of him in the villain's hall of fame!

So Master Hand called the local newspaper and the smashers and every other big villain and hero in history and said he's going to throw a big party and share something important about himself…..in 3 days

3 days later

Master Hand: Wow, he thought 3 days had sure passed by fast and here he was about to make a big speech to all of videogames greatest stars

Master Hand: Eh-hem! Excuse me….ladies and gentlemen…boys and girls….pokemon(I hate pokemon)….inanimate objects…members of the press….my brother….people reading this fanfic (everyone looked around strangely at that last thing he said)… I have called you all here today to tell you 2 very important things….one is good news and the other is bad news… First for the bad news….I am retiring from my position as evil villain-

Tons of people erupted in yells and gasps that were quite appropriate given the current situation…then one woman from the press held up her microphone and asked "so what is the good news?"

Master hand: o yes of course…. I just saved 15 on car insurance by switching to geico!

More yells and gasps were heard and one particular face was seen smiling…the gecko.

Master hand: anyway…..are there any questions?

Reporter: So….whose going to take over your position?

Master Hand: Well of course I think the next best option will be my brother Crazy Hand(poor fools he thought they don't know how nutty Crazy hand is)

Reporter#2: What are you going to do about Event 50 and other things that require the both of you?

Master hand: well I'm going to leave that up to Crazy hand to decide

Reporter#3:..Don't you think 34 is a really low age to retire?

Master Hand(dreading this question): Uhh well you see….umm(trying to think quick on his feet)…I err suffer from excelerated aging?...like in Metal Gear?

All heads turned to look at solid snake

Solid Snake: Sure it seems err probable.

All heads turned back to Master Hand

Master Hand: So I may look young and extremely attractive but I'm actually around like 84…..

Report #:…So… does this mean you need to take things like viagara?

Master hand's…hand nearly turned bright red: Err no…..umm ENOUGH QUESTIONS! WHAT DO YOU SAY TO A PARTY!

So Master hand had started a party with dancing, songs, food, and mingling, and he was currently entertaining a small group of tetris blocks and mrs. Pac man….who had, had her eye on him the whole night….her and pacman had started having lots of arguments about how he had been unemployed for the last like 10 years and how she had now had to support the family.

Then Master Hand left them and was going around greeting the guests and giving them drinks and overall being a good host. He noticed many things he'd rather he never seen such as Marth wearing a hot pink dress and hitting on donkey kong

Marth:…So you like bananas? Well if you come back to my house I have a ton of healthy bananas…..that are so big and juicy you just wanna-……so wanna come back to my place for bannas

DK: Err sure….there ripe right?

Marth: O ya so ripe you just wanna- ok I'll take you back.

Master Hand also noticed Bowser kissing princess peach….wow what an unlikely pair….I bet Mario would be pissed if he wasn't in rehab said Master Hand(see last chapter)

Then he took a stroll out by the all you can eat buffet where he saw Kirby feasting himself on anything he could find…napkins……ham…..the tablecloth….the candles…and even pichu who was unfortunately stupid enough to be in the path of the hungry pink ball.

Then Master Hand noticed Zelda Link and Young Link and the cameraman from Mario 64(the lakitu who followed you around) were all hanging out in a circle… though this had made Master Hand jealous for he always had a crush on Zelda…though he soon realized from one of her friends that she had a split personality called "Shiek" which sounded a little creepy….but master hand wasn't very picky…after all he was a hand and he had never been laid before so just about anyone but Marth would do. Master Hand took a stroll up and began a conversation…so how are you guys enjoying the party?

Neither Link nor Young Link spoke because they were mute….Master Hand felt sorry for them…they had saved the world countless times and all but they could never make full sentences apart from the yes and no and the options the creator of Zelda had given them.

Zelda: O it's really fun thanks for inviting me.

Master Hand:No problem…how about you mr. lakitu?

Lakitu:o it's swell…hey is there a motel or anything around here? I'm shooting a video today

Master Hand:uhh right across the street actually(he had heard rumors that this lakitu owned a multi-million dollar adult film industry which bowser had helped start and which he brought many films such as Peach plucking turnips or Super Mario 69, he assumed Lakitu was going to make a new film or something)….well anyway I'm going to go entertain some other guests have fun you guys.

A few minutes later Zelda approached him

Zelda: Hey Master…..maybe do you want go over to that motel or something?...sorry this is kinda out of the blue and all

Master Hand's heart lept(which is strange because after all he's a hand and he doesn't have a heart):wh-wh-what?...uhh sure…..

And so they went over to the motel and went up to the room(Zelda had already booked one) inside he didn't find anything exciting like candies on the pillows or a do not disturb sign or anything one would expect in a motel or a hotel….but what he did see was a lakitu, young link, and link.

Master Hand:wh-what are they doing here?

Zelda:there going to be in the movie!

Master Hand: Wh-what movie?

Zelda: Our movie

Master Hand(finally realizing):umm I think you got the wrong hand for this one…I think you should go ask someone whose into this stuff like Crazy or something

Zelda: Ppppppleeeease? For me?

Master Hand(thinking about it…well it was Zelda…and Young Link and Link are basically the same person….so….maybe hmm he thought…..then Lakitu said)

Lakitu(with his camera in his hand):Ok send in Epona! And the scantily clad Koopa Troopas

Master hand:….ok no I'm done

(and he quickly ran out the room leaving all of them behind)

Master hand(talking to himself):ok now that was just gross…

Master Hand went back into the party and enjoyed the rest of the night though to his sadness and disbelief no one approached him asking him to join the villain hall of fame.

The next morning Master Hand woke up a pounding headache in his room(probably because he drank about 15 bottles of lon-lon milk straight out of the cow)

Master Hand:dude man what did I do? Ughh I got a pounding head ache….(then he remembered)O ya! I'm retired!

The next few weeks past uneventfully until one afternoon Crazy Hand came up to him and gave him some exciting news

Crazy Hand:Brother! I've got some good news for me and some great news for you!

Master Hand:really? What is it?

Crazy Hand:first the news about you! I also saved 15 on car insurance by switching to Geico!

Master Hand:how is that good news for me?

Crazy hand: Well now I won't be late with our apartment's rent anymore because of the money I'm saving

Master Hand:…..o….so whats the good news about you?

Crazy Hand:o well it's no big deal but I got some letter saying I've been accepted into the Villain hall of fame…

Master Hand:What! You've only been doing it for a few weeks! I was doing it for years!

Crazy Hand:I dunno how it happened it said because of my wonderful contributions I've brought to the SSBM game

Master Hand:…what contributions? I left you instructions about how to fight them and stuff…you don't need to say anything to them except "muahahahaha!" when you meet them and then moan in pain when they beat you.

Crazy hand:…o well whatever I did seemed to have worked

Master Hand:….what did you do?

CrazyHand:….o you know…hey do you noticed about many of these littles dot are in his fic….like right there…err anyway. I didn't do anything totally different just-

Flash Back time!

Cpt. Falcon:Time to fight! Looks like I'm going to be the first to fight you! I'll be the one to start your career and then drop you back down like I did to Master Hand! (he then did his annoying taunt repeatedly)

Show your moves!

Show your moves!

Show your moves!

Show your-

Crazy Hand:muahahaha!...ha! welcome to my domain! Though if you wish to fight me…you must first answer 3 skill testing questions!

Cpt. Falcon:what?this isn't in the manual! Master Hand never did this

Crazy hand:SILENCE! For the first question!

1.How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Cpt.Falcon: I dunno….4?

Crazy Hand:off by a long shot! Now question 2.why should I "show my moves" as your taunt suggests?

Cpt. Falcon: I'm not sure it's just the taunt I was given.

Crazy Hand:wrong answer!

Crazy Hand: For the next question #3……how long would you recommend I leave an average bag of popcorn in the microwave for if I have an old microwave?

Cpt. Falcon:…..Maybe 4 minutes?

Crazy Hand: Wrong answer! The correct answer is that "it varies"….it varies….now since you failed to answer any questions correct I'm going to send you to a realm of darkness aka. The game over screen…come back when you know the answers.

End Flash Back

Master Hand:….and they liked that?

Crazy Hand: Apparently so.

Master Hand: So your going to be ranked what best villain #67 or something like that?

Crazy hand: Nope I'm going to be ranked like #4 just behind Bowser Ganondorf and Sephiroth.

Master Hand: What! This is un heard of! Just after I quit you get an award! What the hell! This damn game is going to be the death of me! I barely have any money! My car's been taken away!Geico is still billing me! I'm a 34 yeard old virgin! No one really even gave a rat's ass I quit! The worlds just out to screw me over!

Crazy Hand:….Master I think there's someone you should meet…he helped me get back on the diving board when I feel off the deep end

Master Hand:what the hell are you talking about?

Crazy hand:when I went crazy

Master hand:your still crazy!

Crazy Hand:actually no! I got my name changed

Master Hand:…to what?

Crazy:to Gonzales….he said the only reason I was crazy was because it was expected of me my whole life due to my name

Master Hand:….ok Gonzales err I don't need to see no shrink…I'm just gonna go find another job maybe get my own apartment or something

Gonzales:actually he's here right now

Master Hand:h-how?

Gonzales: Something called "author powers"

Master Hand: Who is this shrink?

Gonzales: He's not a shrink…he's a Dr. and he's based off of someone you know.

Zell: OK this chapter is done…much longer then I expected. Also please read and review and I thank you to both reviewers. Also this is my first fic(if no one has noticed) so wish me luck and I apologise if this one was not as good as the last or wasn't what you expected…..so I urge you to read and review if you wish for me to continue this fic. Also thanks for the idea to the second reviewer about the Zelda thing I didn't use your exact idea but the Zelda link and young link thing was based of your suggestion. Also if your wondering yes I did get Gonzales from Paper Mario and the thousand year door


End file.
